Compliments Matter

Nov 6

How we compliment others reveals a lot about us. Are we stingy in giving compliments? Do we offer compliments in an unenthusiastic way? “A slowness to applaud betrays a cold temper or an envious spirit” (Hannah More). Do we flatter or compliment in the hope of being complimented? Are our compliments smothered with complaints? Do we insist on receiving compliments? Do we tend to compliment only ‘significant’ achievements?

Compliments can do such good. They help build positive relationships because it lets people know we appreciate and value them (Num 10:29-32, LAB note). This was true, for instance, of the husband and children of the good wife complimenting her (Prov 31:28-29). It can help build up another’s self-image (SS 1:9 and 2:1, BSB notes). A key theme in the Song of Songs, which tells us how the Lord wants marriage among His people to be like, is ‘praise of the beloved.’ The couple is constantly complimenting one another. Not surprisingly, they have a very happy marriage. This insight has also been confirmed by Gottman’s research that successful couples have a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions (Eight Dates, p 106). Remember, “the applause of a single human being is of great importance” (Samuel Johnson) and “as we must account for every idle remark, so we must account for every idle silence” (Benjamin Franklin). Compliments matter.

Let us give compliments honestly, frequently, without a sting to them, and because we want to bless others. There is so very much negative about each of us on which the Lord could focus. Yet, He repeatedly emphasizes what is positive about us (Phil 4:8). That is what He did when He evaluated David as a ‘man after His own heart’ despite David’s terrible sins (Acts 13:22). We should do likewise (Eph 4:29). After all, yet another compliment that was not given at a key moment, when it was really needed, can be the final disappointment in a relationship or in a person’s willingness to keep pursuing a key goal.

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