Dealing With Differences
Sometimes, differences aren’t about what is right or wrong but about what each strongly prefers. Suppose a husband earnestly wants to retire to a rural area where he can fish, hike, and be in touch with nature. His wife wants to retire in the suburbs because she enjoys museums, musicals, and going to shopping malls. Each may be able to present good reasons for their perspective. The arguments in favor of either view might be obvious to each spouse because they more heavily weigh what is consistent with what they see as being important. Hence, they can understand what the other desires and grasp the other person’s reasons. It is arguing about goals and values rather than about right or wrong (Rom 14:1-4).
At other times, however, there is a position that is supported by better evidence. One person is essentially correct. Yet, it may be emotionally difficult for the other to admit this. Having a weak argument, they cry, get angry, claim the other has improper motives and the like. Suppose a wife runs up huge credit card debts because she thinks she has a right to have a lot of nice things. She is angry that her husband wants to put an end to this so they can get out of debt. Conversely, perhaps a husband constantly berates his wife for being 20 pounds overweight but is irritated when she asks him to not mention it anymore because it feeds her struggle with anorexia. In both cases, the evidence and a loving heart favors one view over the other (1 Cor 16:14). Nevertheless, the poorer choice may sometimes be better if the weaker individual is not being manipulative but is simply not now able to make a maturer decision.
We may not be open to the possibility that we are wrong because we are invested in being right or in looking smart. Maybe we are afraid of how our life might need to change if the other is correct. Denial may seem like the better path to take. Discussion is usually fruitless when one party has this kind of mindset. When we discuss issues, let us look to evidence, enlightenment, and our motivations (Prov 16:2).
We are to be good stewards of the children God may give us.