Saying ‘No’ Can Be Healthy
Why do we have trouble telling others ‘no’ when that would be healthy? Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of disapproval. Fear of consequences: the other might become abusive, we could lose income, etc. (See Jn 12:42-43). Guilt can be another factor. We accept unearned guilt and, thus, are controlled by the other so we don’t say ‘no.’ Perhaps we also mistakenly believe it would be selfish to ever say ‘no’ to a loved one. Yet, a religion without boundaries is pantheism. A country without boundaries is no longer a country. A person without boundaries lacks a solid self.
Habitual unwillingness to validly say ‘no’ both indicates and strengthens the idolatry of placating others (Gal 1:10). It can also lead to such problems as over-commitment, soul-destroying resentment, depression, dependence on others instead of on the Lord (which is idolatry), poor self-image, fear of being honest, and, consequently, lack of genuine intimacy. “The fear of man is a snare” (Prov 29:25).
What can we do to improve our ability to appropriately say ‘no’? We can realize that the Lord will hold us accountable for doing what we believe is right (Rom 14:23). Hence, we more easily can stand up to the urgings of others (1 Cor 16:12). Advice from others is not as important as our own convictions. We may be wrong, but so may others. God wants us to have a clear conscience (1 Tim 1:5) that is in line with Scripture. If our ‘no’ is not biblically wrong and is in line with our conscience, then we have the freedom before God to lovingly hold firm to our ‘no’ (Gal 5:1). In addition, we could study the Bible and challenge any accusation that our ‘no’ is biblically wrong with the request that the accuser prove our guilt from a clear and specific application of Scripture (Mt 18:15). The Lord honors our ‘no’ enough to not force us to go to heaven with Him. It makes sense, then, for us to insist that our biblically valid ‘no’ be honored by others.
When God wants a couple or family to alter course, the revelation is normally clear.